Going Back to Work

As a self proclaimed ‘work-a-holic’ when I announced my pregnancy and people asked me ‘are you going back to work’ my answer was a resounding YES! I was certain that I was not ‘one of those moms’ that could stay home. It was almost incomprehensible. Not that there’s anything wrong with those moms – in a way I envied them. I want my daughter to remember me as the mom that was always there for her – no matter what. That being said – I grew up nannying and babysitting and I KNEW the hard work that goes into taking care of a child – and those gigs were still just part time. So I KNEW that all those stay at home moms out there were super hard working and sometimes wishing they had a ‘break’ like going to work.

So as I approached my maternity leave – knowing I was going to be coming back in full force – I decided to make sure that if I was going to have this time away from work, I was going to TAKE it. I wasn’t going to think about work, talk about work, reach out to work, etc. Of course, I would see the friends I had at work – but I wasn’t going to let conversation drift too much into what was happening at the office. I’m super thankful for my boss and some key players on my team that really made this dream a reality. They didn’t bother me at all. Only one person called me twice – but once he realized he was the only one he stopped immediately. 🙂

So, I had 12 full weeks off – and my husband had 16 weeks of paid paternity leave (figure that one out – eyes rolling) and we were going to make the most of it. We had a ‘project’ list a mile long – to get done while we were off. The first couple weeks were a bit ironic. We had a newborn at home – but she slept most of the day. We weren’t quite sure what to do with the time, but filled it with various projects and a lot of relaxing (aka time in front of the tv).

The weeks were going by – as they say ‘the days are long but the years are short’ – but in my case the days were long and the weeks were short. I was amazed to look up and another week had passed – counting down to my return to work.

All was great – I even thought going back to work would be a cakewalk. But in the tender moments of rocking my sweet girl to sleep, or holding her close staring into her eyes – I started to realize it was going to be hard to leave her.

About two weeks before the end of my maternity leave, my daughter was starting to perk up and have some personality. Gone were the days of snoozing all day, and she was starting to interact more and more. It really started to sink in that I was not prepared to return to work, emotionally.

I had heard stories from friends, of tears and hysteria in the parking lot that first day back. Always questioning ‘what am I doing?! why am I doing this?!’ But the only thing all of those stories had in common was that it gets easier every day.

The thing my friends didn’t tell me was about the couple weeks leading up to that day being so tough. I felt like I was on an island – that no one would ever understand how I felt. And I started to wonder HOW can I stay home? I can’t leave my baby.

I’m sure my husband thought I was losing it – my hormones were still out of control and for most of my pregnancy and after having our daughter I kept them pretty well in check (only losing it once on him near the end of my pregnancy, and apologizing within minutes of the freak out). But this was a new kind of hormone.This hurt – and was physically painful. I would cry in the shower, and when I rocked her to sleep. Anytime I was alone I felt myself slipping into fear. The only thing that kept me sane was telling myself over and over that people did this every day, and that I was one of the lucky ones (in America, at least) that got as much time off as I did.

The couple days leading up to my return were the worst. The day before I went back, our little family took the whole day to ‘do something fun’ but nothing seemed worthy of a ‘last day’ so we ended up eating lunch out and stopping by the daycare so Miss Sherri could meet our precious baby girl.

(Luckily for me, the first couple weeks back, our daughter stayed home with Daddy since he was still off – so the whole ‘dropping her off at daycare’ emotional mess didn’t have to happen the same day as my first day back.)

So the day finally came and I had to go back to work. It was mid week so I could ‘ease’ back into it. I will tell you, that after all of the anxiety over leaving for work – about work, about leaving her, about pumping, about missing her – while all of those things were not my favorite – I think I got all of my emotion out before D-Day. I went, I saw my friends, I got caught up on what had happened while I was out. And before I knew it the end of the day came and I went home to see my girl. I made it home and she was just fine. I was just fine. We were all fine.

The lesson I learned from this though, is a lesson I’ve learned many times and continue to learn. I can create more in my head than really what happens in real life. I can tell myself one hell of a story that I make up about what is going to happen, and often what I find in real life is a lot easier to handle. I’m a capable person with a great head on my shoulders and when push comes to shove I’m good in most situations. I need to trust that more, worry less, and KNOW that ultimately God’s in control anyways so I might as well give the power to Him.

I also learned – and have shared with lots of my friends having bambinos, that you shouldn’t be able to make any major life altering decisions from the moment you start trying to have kids or find out you are pregnant, until at LEAST 6 months after that precious gift comes into your life (longer if you breast feed for a long time). Hormones are a legit thing and are NOT in our control – no matter how much we like to think we can control them.

Which leads me to a lesson I hope that I learned well enough to remember it when my baby is a teen – Hormones are legit – so be patient with the person being affected by them.

So – I’m still at work, and we are all thriving. Here’s to Surviving & Then Some!